Taking Things Personally
“Is it Me?”
What people say and do is a reflection of them, not you.
It’s inevitable – at one point or another, people will disrespect you, not treat you well, or insult you. When this happens, it’s easy to take their behavior and words personally, to blame ourselves, and wonder how we went wrong. However, what if you truly knew and accepted that anything and everything someone else does and says is a reflection of their experiences, their perspectives, and who they are as a person? How would your responses and perspective change?
“Is it me?”
“What did I do wrong?”
“Am I that bad?”
“How should I change?”
“Ugh, I wish I could go back in time and do that differently!”
Do any of these statements sound familiar? Have you ever thought in this way after taking something someone did or said personally? If so, you are not alone. When we take things personally, we immediately find fault within ourselves, blaming and criticizing who we are. As a result, we feel emotionally hurt and offended.
Before we get into why we shouldn’t take things personally and how to practice doing so, it’s important to understand why we do it in the first place. Where does taking something personally stem from?
Some of the reasons why words and actions hurt more than usual may be:
Deep down you may agree with what someone said to you
You experience an emotional flashback that reminds you of something that happened in your past
You are perceiving to be treated unfairly in the situation
You feel excluded, unappreciated, or unworthy
You had unrealistic expectations of people
Now that we know where the hurt stems from when taking something personally, let’s look at why it doesn’t make sense to do so.
Consider this example…
You are walking your dog around Frenchman’s and you see the lady that you met last night at Parc. Last night, the two of you ate dinner together and talked for hours. As you see her walking out of her house, you’re excited to talk to her again and let her know how nice it was to meet her. As you approach her, you notice her gaze in your direction but instead of waving or saying hello, she looks around and quickly walks away, heading towards her house. For the entire day, you wonder why she didn’t acknowledge you. You start blaming yourself and all day long you think about: “did I have one too many cocktails?”, “did I insult her in any way?”, “ugh, I knew she didn’t like me. I won’t make any friends here.” That night, you decide to go to Parc for dinner and end up running into your new friend (that now hates you). She comes running up to you, gives you a hug and proceeds to tell you how much of an airhead she is – this morning, she was getting ready to go out for a walk, walked outside and realized she completely forgot to put her contacts in her eyes – she got outside and was “blind as a bat!”
This example, although simple, gets the point across. Although your situation may be different and/or more complicated than this, the key is to remember that what people do and say is a reflection of what is going on inside of them and has nothing to do with you.
Living your life without taking things personally has countless benefits including:
Living a more peaceful life – allows you to focus on you and your own wellbeing.
Giving people the benefit of the doubt – allows you to think the best about people rather than the worst, resulting in getting along better with others.
Changing perspective – allows you to practice changing your mindset and looking at situations differently.
Improving yourself – allows you to practice controlling the way you think and how you handle situations; detaching yourself from anger and being open to improving the person you are.
Now that we know some of the benefits of not taking things personally, how do we actually do it? Like almost anything else in life, it takes time and practice. But, I promise it’ll be worth it.
1. Look at the facts of the situation and what they might mean – Write down or think about what exactly happened without involving your emotions. Think about what the person’s words or actions might mean.
Example: The lady from Parc walked outside, looked around and walked back inside of her house. She may not have seen me, she might have had to go to the bathroom, she may have forgotten something, etc.
2. Learn from the criticism – If you were criticized, try taking it in a constructive way. Ask yourself if there is any truth to it and what you can learn to improve yourself. Take the lessons and learn from it for your own benefit.
3. Realize you can’t please everyone – No matter who you are or what you do, there will always be someone that doesn’t agree. The key to remember is that they don’t agree because their own perspective, experiences, or life filters are not aligning with yours. You’ll never be able to control other people – focus on what you are doing and if it’s the best that you can do.
4. Realize this happens to everyone – Know that you are not alone in how you feel or what happened. Think about all of the critiques that public figures receive and realize that this is not unfairness happening to only you – it’s life.
5. Know your worth – Focus on building your own self-confidence and self-esteem. When you truly know who you are, you’ll have an easier time letting go of the things people say about you or do that hurt you. Think about the person that you are and focus on the positives. If there is something you can improve, think about what you’d like to work on and how to go about doing so.
Not taking things personally is a practice; a practice that involves a change of perspective in the midst of anger, disappointment, or hurt. It is a practice of self-improvement and self-development. It means you are on a journey to becoming the best version of you. And, that is the best journey you can be on.